I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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