Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
