Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
