Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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