Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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