I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
