I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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