If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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