Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i out mim tonsoeep
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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