She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
