I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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