i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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