Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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