my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
