you didnt know i had herpes?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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