Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
