I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
