Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
