Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
