in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
