woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
