Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
