lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
