There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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