Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
