i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Randomize
