I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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