I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
