This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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