There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
