Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
