remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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