Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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