you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
