I wish my penis had an off switch
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
