so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
