I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
