New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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