anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I AM VODKA MAN
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I deserve this hangover.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
