I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
