Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
