rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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