Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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