my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
