i don't like sucking hair
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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