3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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