I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
