My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
sarcasm needs its own font
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
