you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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