You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
