I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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