she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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