There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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