Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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